I’ve come to realize how important it is to share your life with others, especially with your best of friends. Not only that they celebrate with you in your success, but they are the ones who’ll go through hell with you when you feel nobody cares about you. :)
I had this recent experience where my honesty and openness with my best of friends was tested. I had been keeping a secret from all of them for a month now and it’s really hard to act around normally. My reason behind my-keep-it-to-myself-drama was that I don’t wanna bother them to mind my stupid issues about a certain person. Well, that’s what I thought — STUPID ISSUES. T’was few weeks ago when I really can’t hold the burden-of-keeping-secrets-to-my-friends any longer that I decided to open it up with two of my best friends. I had their support but mind you, GRABE NGA PANGASABA AKONG NADAWAT. :D Though I’m the Ate of the group, I really felt like the “immature bunso" that time. Yet I have realized a lot of things from what they’ve told me. It made me appreciate them more and they made me feel so loved. :)
After a long journey of reflecting and internalizing everything I have learned from that experience and from the book I’ve read (which really relates to my situation now), I can say that…
I’m happy for not keeping this all to myself;
I’m happy that I had my friends’ understanding and support;
I’m happy that I allowed myself to be happy despite all the hindrances, struggles, and complications along the way;
I’m happy because this time, I made a decision to make myself feel the happiness and enjoy every moment I have with them and with him without any hesitations and negativity;
I’m happy and that’s all that matters to me now.
BUT, it didn’t end there.
Yesterday, I was really bothered of what my other girl best friend told me. (Don’t get confused, I consider them all my best friends because they are simply the best! :D) Anyway, we were talking about random stuffs about our barkada when she suddenly talked about being open to the group like hiding no secrets so that “walai magmahay” and that it won’t get to a point “nga sa lain pa tao mabaw.an”. I was really so damn guilty about it because I know for a fact that I am hiding something from them, though I know she already knows it and just waiting for me to talk to her ‘bout it. :3 I couldn’t bear what she told me and I WAS REALLY BOTHERED about it so I asked one of the girls (who knows about it already) what am I supposed to do, then she told me that I should tell it already and for sure she’d understand. I was confident enough to trust her about this and that she’d understand why I wanted to keep this from her. So I did finally told her about it this afternoon. I felt relieved from the guilt of last night’s conversation and yeah, she didn’t get mad at me. I WAS REALLY SO HAPPY but still bothered if until when can I hide this from all of them. Naaaaah -.-
I don’t know if until when can I keep this but, let God do what He intends to do. I’m not expecting anything nor am I waiting for something to happen. All I’m praying for now is that when time comes that he’ll know about this, I hope it (his reaction) won’t hurt me so much. I hope that I’ll be able to face it with a happy heart. I hope I will not do anything stupid. I hope and pray that whatever the future holds for me and that person, I’ll be able to accept it wholeheartedly.
For now, I am just happy with what’s happening between us. I’m happy we changed for the better. I’m happy that he makes me happy. I’m happy for the friends that God has given me. I’m happy for the thought that I was brave enough to feel this way again. It’s been a long time and I’ve been longing to feel this happiness for years and here it is now. This never crossed my mind nor did I ever thought about it. It just came so unexpectedly and I AM HAPPY ABOUT IT. :)
P.S. Pardon my grammatical errors. I just felt the need to blog about this. :)