DIK

The untold story of the past.

CAUGHT OFF GUARD!

It’s hard to keep things to yourself especially when you are already overwhelmed by these things. GOD KNOWS WHY I AM KEEPING IT TO MYSELF. I don’t wanna ruin other people’s lives because of my stupid issues. BUT I just can’t seem to take it any longer so I finally poured it out. And I was wrong for keeping it as a secret. I used to think that it’s useless to share things yet I’ve learned that it’s better to spoil it out just to lessen the pain and maybe, get some piece of advice. Well, I did. And this time, I’m keeping my mouth shut and follow what I was told to do. I failed twice, and I don’t want history to repeat itself again this time. I wanna stay in this stupidity (Whatever you call it) and I’d like to feel somehow happy with what I have decided.

THIS TIME IT”S NOT ABOUT TAKING THE RISK, IT’S ABOUT WAITING FOR THE RIGHT MOMENT TO COME AND ENJOYING WHAT YOU ALREADY HAVE. 

I’m happy but somehow afraid of what might happen. This time, it’s gonna be different. I won’t let my pessimistic self get into the picture. I SHOULD DO WHAT I THINK IS RIGHT AS LONG AS WALA KOI GIPASAKITAN. IT’S ABOUT TIME TO THINK OF MYSELF — THE HAPPINESS I LONGED FOR YEARS. GOD BE MY GUIDE. :)

SECRETS.

I’ve come to realize how important it is to share your life with others, especially with your best of friends. Not only that they celebrate with you in your success, but they are the ones who’ll go through hell with you when you feel nobody cares about you. :)

I had this recent experience where my honesty and openness with my best of friends was tested. I had been keeping a secret from all of them for a month now and it’s really hard to act around normally. My reason behind my-keep-it-to-myself-drama was that I don’t wanna bother them to mind my stupid issues about a certain person. Well, that’s what I thought — STUPID ISSUES. T’was few weeks ago when I really can’t hold the burden-of-keeping-secrets-to-my-friends any longer that I decided to open it up with two of my best friends. I had their support but mind you, GRABE NGA PANGASABA AKONG NADAWAT. :D Though I’m the Ate of the group, I really felt like the “immature bunso" that time. Yet I have realized a lot of things from what they’ve told me. It made me appreciate them more and they made me feel so loved. :)

After a long journey of reflecting and internalizing everything I have learned from that experience and from the book I’ve read (which really relates to my situation now), I can say that…

I’m happy for not keeping this all to myself;

I’m happy that I had my friends’ understanding and support;

I’m happy that I allowed myself to be happy despite all the hindrances, struggles, and complications along the way;

I’m happy because this time, I made a decision to make myself feel the happiness and enjoy every moment I have with them and with him without any hesitations and negativity;

I’m happy and that’s all that matters to me now.

BUT, it didn’t end there.

Yesterday, I was really bothered of what my other girl best friend told me. (Don’t get confused, I consider them all my best friends because they are simply the best! :D) Anyway, we were talking about random stuffs about our barkada when she suddenly talked about being open to the group like hiding no secrets so that “walai magmahay” and that it won’t get to a point “nga sa lain pa tao mabaw.an”. I was really so damn guilty about it because I know for a fact that I am hiding something from them, though I know she already knows it and just waiting for me to talk to her ‘bout it. :3 I couldn’t bear what she told me and I WAS REALLY BOTHERED about it so I asked one of the girls (who knows about it already) what am I supposed to do, then she told me that I should tell it already and for sure she’d understand. I was confident enough to trust her about this and that she’d understand why I wanted to keep this from her. So I did finally told her about it this afternoon. I felt relieved from the guilt of last night’s conversation and yeah, she didn’t get mad at me. I WAS REALLY SO HAPPY but still bothered if until when can I hide this from all of them. Naaaaah -.-

I don’t know if until when can I keep this but, let God do what He intends to do. I’m not expecting anything nor am I waiting for something to happen. All I’m praying for now is that when time comes that he’ll know about this, I hope it (his reaction) won’t hurt me so much. I hope that I’ll be able to face it with a happy heart. I hope I will not do anything stupid. I hope and pray that whatever the future holds for me and that person, I’ll be able to accept it wholeheartedly.

For now, I am just happy with what’s happening between us. I’m happy we changed for the better. I’m happy that he makes me happy. I’m happy for the friends that God has given me. I’m happy for the thought that I was brave enough to feel this way again. It’s been a long time and I’ve been longing to feel this happiness for years and here it is now. This never crossed my mind nor did I ever thought about it. It just came so unexpectedly and I AM HAPPY ABOUT IT. :)

P.S. Pardon my grammatical errors. I just felt the need to blog about this. :)

Moment of Truth.

I feel so horrible about the news. I feel sad and at the same time, angry at myself for not doing the right thing. I feel stupid for allowing all these things to happen. I AM SO STUPID! >.<

I should’ve not told anyone about it. I should’ve kept it to myself (not that I don’t trust my friends but for them not to worry about me anymore). I should’ve done the “Project Iwas” that my girl friends asked me to do. I should’ve kept my distance. I should’ve have reminded myself of the consequences if I continue this. I shouldn’t have let myself get closer to him. I shouldn’t have let the feelings grow. I shouldn’t have thought about my happiness if it only brings pain to me in the end. I shouldn’t have BUT I DID. And it’s so stupid to think that I’ve risked the friendship that we have right now.

I JUST DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE! Now that he knows about this sh*t! Now that he’s aware of my stupidity! Now that I can’t take back every stupid thing I did! STUPID! STUPID! >.<

Just Friends.

I know that I don’t own you,
and perhaps I never will,
so my anger when you’re with her,
I have no right to feel.

I know that you don’t owe me,
and I shouldn’t ask for more;
I shouldn’t feel so let down,
all the times when you don’t call.


What I feel—I shouldn’t show you,
so when you’re around I won’t;
I know I’ve no right to feel it
but it doesn’t mean I don’t.


Im’ma talk about the "All I know since yesterday is everything has changed" part now…
I don’t know where to start from here. E kasi tong isang taong to, bigla na lang nagbago. And I don’t know why. The last time we talked, we told each other to bring back what we had before… (because something happened between us. oopss it’s not what you’re thinking bruh. Gonna talk about it later) and what I mean is our “closeness”. Yes, I consider him one of my guy best/close friend. So here’s the story…
A typical story of close friends where the girl fell in love with the guy. Yes, that’s what happened to me… to us. It came unexpectedly though. Three long years of friendship, I’ve only seen him as my "best enemy". Never did it crossed my mind, not once that I’d fell for this person. Unfortunately, I did. HAHAHAHA! But you know, falling in love wasn’t that bad though yet I still end up “crying” for what seems like years because of this thing they call LOVE. ;)
After a few months since the night we talked, it came to a point where everything  is changing slowly… we don’t talk that much… we don’t text nor update each other… or even the kulitness and away2 moments we had before… naglaho na lang ng di ko namamalayan. It pains me inside recalling what we had “agreed” before (bring back the closeness) cause I really thought we would just forget and move on from then on and we’ll just be like the years before — best enemies. Can’t blame him either. He’s too busy with his girl now. But is that an excuse? Nuuuh, I don’t think so. Sayang kasi yung friendship e… yung memories… lahat nun.. hanggang memories na lang. Sakit noh? But I told myself, I’ll get over this soon. I would eventually move on and masasany din ako sa ganitong sitwasyon. Ngayon lang to masakit kasi nasanay na akong may kaaway lagi eh tapos ngayon wala na. ;)
To you my Best Enemy,
I’m happy for you now. I do. For both of you. It may seem that I’m not but deep inside me, believe that it’s true. I’m still here for you though something’s changed between us already. You can still count on me like what I always told you. You know how special you are to me but that would just stay that way until I get to the I-have-finally-moved-on stage. You will probably be… someone who’ll have a special place in my heart. I miss you. Yes, I miss the old you. I wish we could be just like before but I doubt it would still happen. I’m proud of what you have become now, a strong and happy person and I hope you’ll stay that way. ‘til then, my Best Enemy. 
Love,
DIK

Im’ma talk about the "All I know since yesterday is everything has changed" part now…

I don’t know where to start from here. E kasi tong isang taong to, bigla na lang nagbago. And I don’t know why. The last time we talked, we told each other to bring back what we had before… (because something happened between us. oopss it’s not what you’re thinking bruh. Gonna talk about it later) and what I mean is our “closeness”. Yes, I consider him one of my guy best/close friend. So here’s the story…

A typical story of close friends where the girl fell in love with the guy. Yes, that’s what happened to me… to us. It came unexpectedly though. Three long years of friendship, I’ve only seen him as my "best enemy". Never did it crossed my mind, not once that I’d fell for this person. Unfortunately, I did. HAHAHAHA! But you know, falling in love wasn’t that bad though yet I still end up “crying” for what seems like years because of this thing they call LOVE. ;)

After a few months since the night we talked, it came to a point where everything  is changing slowly… we don’t talk that much… we don’t text nor update each other… or even the kulitness and away2 moments we had before… naglaho na lang ng di ko namamalayan. It pains me inside recalling what we had “agreed” before (bring back the closeness) cause I really thought we would just forget and move on from then on and we’ll just be like the years before — best enemies. Can’t blame him either. He’s too busy with his girl now. But is that an excuse? Nuuuh, I don’t think so. Sayang kasi yung friendship e… yung memories… lahat nun.. hanggang memories na lang. Sakit noh? But I told myself, I’ll get over this soon. I would eventually move on and masasany din ako sa ganitong sitwasyon. Ngayon lang to masakit kasi nasanay na akong may kaaway lagi eh tapos ngayon wala na. ;)

To you my Best Enemy,

I’m happy for you now. I do. For both of you. It may seem that I’m not but deep inside me, believe that it’s true. I’m still here for you though something’s changed between us already. You can still count on me like what I always told you. You know how special you are to me but that would just stay that way until I get to the I-have-finally-moved-on stage. You will probably be… someone who’ll have a special place in my heart. I miss you. Yes, I miss the old you. I wish we could be just like before but I doubt it would still happen. I’m proud of what you have become now, a strong and happy person and I hope you’ll stay that way. ‘til then, my Best Enemy.

Love,

DIK

DIK.

Yeah, that’s what we call each other of. It’s a shorter name for ADIK. I can no longer remember how it all started though. Anyway, he’s been my friend since first year college. We were both transferees so we kind of got close right away. We were still so yagit those days, naa pa syay bangas and jejemon pami. Yagit jeje days! HAHA! I’ve witnessed his journey, maybe not all, but I was there, we were somehow always together in our classes. Magkasinabot gyud mi merely because we’re batchmates/age-mates! Lol. There was this instance when I told him “I would never fall in love with someone like you!” That was quite a thing for me to unlike people like him because he was still so irresponsible and impulsive those days (somehow, until now haha). But then, it came to point that I have swallow every little word I told him a few years back.. BOOOM! I fell in love with my best friend. We were best enemies since the day we met, literally. We barely “magkasinabot” in everything. It’s like we are two different people with different beliefs and character. I hated most everything about him. But I’ve learned to embrace his flaws. I guess that’s the thing about love. You’d willingly accept him for who he is and not for what you want him to be. I have loved him. And I think I would still be. It’s been four crazy years of our adventure together. Every moment that will surely be treasured forever! I am so proud of what you have become now, Dik! A strong and confident person.. Maybe I just loved the wrong person but loving him was never my intention and I’m quite sure that I never regreted loving him. I’ve learned a lot from this unrequited love affair. I love you as my best enemy, Dik. Thank you for inspiring me, for being there when I need you, for understanding, for accepting my flaws and imperfections, and for letting me love you. You are and will always be my DIK! 😘😉